So I got down and dirty today and made my first batch of Kimchi. Now I really had no idea what went into the process of making that rotten dish, but when you read the ingredients you'll just be perplexed that it could make anything at all. In fact, when looking at everything on the table and on the stove, I seriously thought we were missing a couple of things: "Um, where's the eye of newt, toe of frog, and can that stove hold a cauldron?"

Anyway, here's The Oh Family Kimchi recipe:

1 flat of cabbage
1/2 large radish
2 gallons of red pepper powder
1-2 cups of salted shrimp sauce
1 handful of chives (or chive like herb)
1 handful of cilantro-esque herb (only visually. it tasted nothing like cilantro)
1 hefty pour of salted lancefish sauce
2 cups of water boiled with onions, mushrooms, and fish heads
1/2 cup raw rice powder (that's what the dictionary said...?)
and finally, a few pinches of lightly toasted sesame seeds.

1. So begin by boiling those fishheads, onions and mushrooms. Make sure that it really smells. I mean, close all the windows, and let it boil for a long time, so long that your homestay comes home and immediately suppresses his gag reflux.
2. While waiting, chop up the herbs and radishes, and mince the garlic. Also, wash and quarter the cabbage and let it drip dry.
3. Pour the boiling water into the raw rice powder or whatever the hell it is, it looks pasty. Is it paste? Can a reach in and dip my finger before she pours the water? No, just assume it's powder... but it really looks like a paste.
4. A few splashes at a time, make that demonic looking bucket of fiery red hell for your tastebuds into a paste.
5. It's time to mix in your veggies. (Note: All those vegetarians who thought kimchi was safe to eat, I just want to say... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! There's so much fish product in this recipe!!! This is almost better than the time that I made a veggie stir-fry in bacon grease because I ran out of olive oil!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!)
6. Toast those seeds. Throw 'em in the bucket. Never attempt to learn the word for seeds without consulting a dictionary; acting out "seed" is next to impossible.
7. Did you add the salted shrimp sauce? NO!?!? Oh Jesus!!! Well, do it now, I hope you didn't screw up this whole batch. God, stupid American!
8. Add a hefty pour of the salted lancefish sauce, but make sure you take a big whiff of it first. Does it smell bad? Does you brain feel like it's licking a nail polish lollipop? Does your host mother think you need to sit down and rest? Yes?
Good. That means it's still fresh.
9. Mix it up real nice, yeah, use that beefy arm.
10. I suggest sitting at a table, but you may attempt to break your back on the floor like me. Sit there and just smother every inch of the cabbage with the blood red vomit-paste.
11. Try it. Can you feel immortality settling inside your sinus cavity? Excellent.

Kimchi is purportedly one of the 5 healthiest foods in the world. I heard this from my friend Julienne. I didn't bother to ask her sources or what the other 4 foods were, but she was Miss Pennsylvania Teen in 2002, so I trust her.

The part that I'm unsure about is the preparation of the cabbage. I think you soak it in a brine, and not wash it. All I know is that extensive salt is used somewhere in the process. And the part afterwards is unclear, but I'll update this when we put the final touches on it.