Have you ever been to a beauty pageant? Are you aware that the contestants ACTUALLY say that their dream is "world peace"? How does one choose the better contestant when ALL of them say they want to achieve world peace? Does the girl with the bigger boobs win on that round because she's most likely to make the war-mongers pause and listen to her? Do beauty pageants have any merit to them besides employing sleazy looking judges as per their parole agreements? Note: These are a few of the actual judges!

I'll spare you the excruciating agony and tell you right now that Miss Nicaragua beat all the talented young women out in the 2006 World Miss University Contest. Yes, the woman whose traditional dress made her look like Xena The Warrior Princess or a good combination of a peacock and Vegas showgirl took home the prestigious title that of Miss University. But the man of the hour was none other than Ricky Kim. The American looking MC with an impeccible accent, but the reading skills of a fourth-grader. He had the perfect MC voice too, you know, the one that makes Bob Barker sound like Alvin the Chipmunk on downers? Priceless quotes by the mind-numbingly stupid and waste-of-space MC:

"I was mesmorized by all that shaking."
"And the Teddy Bear Museum Award goes to...(drumroll)... contestant number 17, uh, 27! Miss Venezeula!"
"I wish I were a judge."

The man deserves to be shot in the head. He really was much worse than I can actually describe, but I guess he wasn't mauled by his co-host, so maybe some people found his stupidity endearing.

Highlights from the contest:

-Miss Lithuania did a dance number to a remix/medley of Meatloaf and Melissa Etheridge.
-Miss Latvia singing a song entitled: "I'm a Big Girl in a Big World." Her back-up vocalist felt it necessary to use hand gestures to articulate more clearly what the message of the song meant.
-The constant mix cd of porn music for the contestants as they did a little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk. As they did their little turn on the catwalk.
-The ever-diminishing number of audience members. Full capacity was never acheived and I've seen more people waiting at the bus-stop. No wonder the tickets were free.
-The excruciatingly loud speakers. I'm not sure why, but it seems that everywhere I go in Korea the sound guys want to make sure deaf people can hear the music too.
-Miss Dominican Republic lost her top during a solo dance routine. I thought that clinched her for the title, but I guess that's frowned upon?

We came back later that night to pick up a lost cellphone, only to discover that these "ambassadors of peace" were tanked on the dancefloor, smoking cigarettes in the bathroom and telling each other how badly they needed sex. I wanted to stay and flirt with the World Miss University Contestants but Lauryn seemed turned off by their mindless chatter and would take no part in such shenanigans.

So Sunday was meant to be a hike to the top of Hallasan. Now, before I start ranting about Korean Hiking Culture, I need to stress the point that I was not LATE in getting started. No, I have been dubbed by Patrick Leue as "covertly on-point". He is completely correct. Yes, I put on a facade of being totally wrecklessly ignorant of time, space, and obscure laws of both science and social. But beneath that impenetrable surface of passionate passiveness, I am incredibly motivated to keep my lazy bones moving at mediocre speeds.

So this all adds up to the fact that we apparently started our trek up the mountain too late to reach the top and we weren't allowed to get to the top of Mt. Halla. I consider this to be "donkey bull-honkey"(copyright 2006).

Here's my math skills for you Korean sissies at the park headquarters: Our trek was approximately 9km or 6 miles. Having only daypacks, the weather being cold therefore not needing to hydrate as much, and being a group of 2 badass hikers, I figure the MINIMUM walking speed for us would be an average of 2 miles an hour. (That's really slow, my guess is that we would go twice that speed, if not up then down for sure.) 6 miles at 2mph means 3 hours to summit. Now, assuming it would take that long down(which it wouldn't because of gravity on our side coming home and the fact that the other trails down are almost half the distance of our embarking point), we would need 6 hours of daylight to hike up and over. The island gets dark at 6pm these days. Therefore, we must organize and depart by 12pm.
*There is no arguing that I am wrong with these details. I am as right as left can't be.

So this is where I validate my claims that Korean hiking is a sissy culture.
1) Rules for Mt. Halla indicate that you may not go to the summit if starting your journey past 9am.
2) Hiking clothes for Koreans are strictly regulated by social norms, not common sense.
3) I hate being told that you MUST wear hiking shoes to go hiking. I wear athletic shoes and will not change that habit, especially in Korea where almost HALF THE TRAIL IS A BOARDWALK.
4) When we were found relaxing and eating lunch at the second highest camp after being deterred from peaking at 2:30pm, the man was hurrying us down the mountain frantically pointing to the sun as if it were about to explode!

Here's my rant:
Look guy I know all about the sun and its tendency to set in the west each day. In fact, we've got a nice healthy relationship that functions as smoothly as clockwork, and I don't need you yelling at me to go down the mountain when I know for a fact that we will not be the last ones down this mountain. Speaking of which, did you help the girl that was hobbling down the mountain due to her twisted ankle? Maybe you need more boardwalks? You're lucky this isn't America because that girl would sue your ass for not having fully paved nature paths through national parks... and she'd win, but that's another story. And why, why, WHY would I ever want to get started at 9am with the thousands of other Koreans who hike on the weekends just to feel like lemmings, and praying to god the first person up there doesn't take a nose dive into the volcano?!?!? I like to sleep in, relax, have a cup of coffee and hike at the last possible second because that's my style, to be covertly on-point. I had it all figured out in my head. I woke up that morning did everything I wanted and needed... even had a second breakfast. I factored in waiting time for the bus and the actual ride, buying tickets, lunch, and water breaks. And you're telling me that I can't hike to the top after 9am because it's not safe?!?!? Last week I saw a guy hiking up the mountain with one leg and one crutch, and that's safer than me because he started earlier?!?! I hate you! I just. want. to go. at. my own. pace!
Oh, I know what this is all about. It's because I didn't wear the proper attire, isn't it? Well, I've seen your hiking uniforms and I say take it and shove it! This is what we wear: